A coincidence, a repetition, whatever. I'm going to make baseball fun this week because MLB is still playing games, or so I've been told.
While your favorite NFL team drafted badly, your favorite MLB team kept playing games with us.
I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing, but it's happening. While Hansel looks to Richard Gere and Sting as major, major influences on him, I'm still trying to figure out what bark is made out of. Earth to Matilda, it's probably made of wood! Until we get to a point where big leaguers are playing with bats made of bark, I guess I will have to be the one to entertain you In the Meantime.
In the end, we shall achieve in time something we will call define. It may prove to be a one-hit wonder, but I don't want to close my eyes, fall asleep and miss a thing. Harry Stamper didn't die in vain on some rock out there in The Great Beyond, far beyond my stooge doofus comprehension. I haven't lost my mind like Andy Kauffman, but Hollywood put a Man on the Moon! Ask Jim Carrey.
So while we try to make sense out of nonsense, you're allowed to have a little drinky poo. It's time for a top-off, On a Friday, to get you into the slot. Just 'cause you feel it, doesn't mean it's there. Two and two does not make five, but 6-4-3 does equal two outs. I did the math, but I'm not going to talk about it, as those evil Karma Police are watching. No Surprises, just good vibes.
I'm hungry for some Slightly Stoopid baseball content. So what do you got for us to eat, Dawg?
What most delicious segments are on the menu this week, Buhltron?!
- Look good, feel good, play good
- But what about the fans???
- This. Is. Florida. Baseball!
- The Dude of the Week, man
We're going to talk about how you should dress to hang some drywall at the nearby McDonald's, if you can bring a vat of spaghetti to the friendly confines, why Florida baseball is a type of baseball unlike anything else out there and why turning heel isn't always the best course of action, especially when you have to face your rival, also known as your former employer. Here. We. Go!
Look good, feel good, play good: I know exactly what Andrew Chafin would do if he had a million dollars
Andrew Chafin of the Arizona Diamondbacks might already be a millionaire, but we know what he's all about on his daily trip to the office. He's not going to spend the whole day doing nothing or watching kung fun with Jennifer Aniston (although he should!). Chafin is going down to the local McDonald's to hang some drywall. Or he might open his own Private Idaho Tae-Kwon-Do studio.
Dressed for success, or like Boston Connor, either way, it works. While you would never catch me dead wearing a pair of cargo shorts, I'm not gonna lie, this isn't the worst idea for a Halloween costume I have ever had. I've been The Dude four years in a row, man. For whatever reason, I do think Crocs would feel better on my disgusting Hobbit feet than a pair of the clearest Jellies, man.
Like Indiana Jones, I don't do snakes, but I subscribe to the notion of "Eat Happy, Not Healthy". I'm the type of 30-something who says when he's going to shock the pool, he is referring to spending $20 at Taco Bell well before the sun goes down. It may be the Hair of the Dawg, but now you're messing with a sombtch. Love Hurts and Love Stinks, just like the Green Bay Packers quarterback.
I don't know where my pieces of flair are, but sir, this is an Arby's. How dare you make me work!
This. Is. Florida. Baseball! | The Dude of the Week, man
But what about the fans???: I didn't know I needed to know about Baltimore's spaghetti policy more than I do right this instant
The Baltimore Orioles appear to have a good baseball team. Their offense is fun, the bullpen is solid and they like to chug water like Frank the Tank does suds on the reg. So as the O's crank some Whitesnake from the driveway, ask yourself this one very important Baltimorean question: What is the Orioles' spaghetti policy? Maryland does crabcakes and football, and now spaghetti!
While I highly doubt you can procure some milk steak and your finest raw jelly beans at Oriole Park, I can only hope you can bring in some noodles and Ragu for a good time in between sips of Natty Boh, bro. Long gone are the days that I most humbly suggested the Orioles' infield dirt be replaced with Old Bay seasoning as soon as they have been eliminated from playoff contention.
I don't believe in coincidences, but the moment the most esteemed Ian Levy became a fan of this team, the O's kinda got good and got pretty dang weird in the process. Vermont doesn't have an MLB team, but in between shoveling chocolatey gobs of gooey Phish Food goodness down your pie hole, I hope there is room for copious vats of spaghetti you brought to the ballpark from home.
I don't make the rules, but if you can bring a dawg to the park, you can bring your bag of spaghetti.
Look good, feel good, play good | The Dude of the Week, man
This. Is. Florida. Baseball!: I don't want to go to Walt Disney World, I want to go to Randyland instead!
Fact: Florida was underwater for a reason. It is the Mount Everest of the Lower 48. What other state actively tries to kill you while you're inside of it? The last time I was there, it gave me COVID. Team Bout That, I will never forget you. I said I was never going back, but then i saw THIS and I am willing to sell my blood to fund a trip to Randyland. The Tampa Bay Rays are Florida baseball, y'all!
I don't know what kind of beverages they serve at The Trop, but Randyland seems like the place to be. These must be the vibes Harry Potter had after pounding some Felix Felicis before paying his dear friend Hagrid a visit. I don't know if those are Reel Big Fish in right center, but I will Sell Out in order to find out. It could just be Jello, but if it's the real thing, then you could just Take Me On, bro.
There is no state income tax in Florida for a reason. People will spend their hard-earned money they don't have to dip their toes into The Florida Man lifestyle. I can't possibly imagine having to be a census collector in that state, as the people and the wildlife become one. The only people I would trust to guide me through the most dangerous place on Earth are Theo Von and Randy Arozarena.
When this team wins Rob Manfred's piece of metal, it goes into the water as Tom Brady intended.
Look good, feel good, play good | But what about the fans???
The Dude of the Week, man: Willson Contreras has turned heel like Hollywood Hogan to become our new Razor Ramon
Like Tony Romo heading into a broadcast, I am going into this with zero preparation. I didn't play golf all week, but I haven't watched a non-Atlanta Braves MLB game this year. I don't plan on that changing, but I am aware enough in my 9-to-5 that Willson Contreras was kind of a big deal this past week. His St. Louis Cardinals are worse than Joe Torre and his sideburns managing the team.
Like the Rams who left them for Kroenkeland, I don't know if they're going to be good again. I did see that his former employer came to town with Mr. Pugh and the former NL MVP who should be sponsored by Baked Lays. Anywho, it was like when Hulk Hogan went Hollywood and linked up with Scott Hall after he was Razor Ramon. I love Razor Ramon, so maybe Contreras could be that?
Unlike Vince McMahon, I have seen Scarface before, but it doesn't change the fact Razor Ramon was the greatest thing to ever happen to me when I didn't know it was even happening to me. Just like seeing the Cardinals be as bad as the team Kyler Murray plays video games for, together, he, Romo and I can continue to put in zero preparation in areas of our jobs where we probably should!
The only thing I know is the dude we traded his brother for is better than Arby's Jamocha shakes.
Look good, feel good, play good | But what about the fans??? | This. Is. Florida. Baseball!