Elly De La Cruz having a blast with the Cincinnati Reds definitely made baseball fun this week.
Baseball is better when MLB teams that can stink like the Cincinnati Reds are no longer tire fires.
I don't know much about Elly De La Cruz other than he has had a great start to this big-league career for the Red Legs. For most of my adult life, Cincinnati has been about the Bengals being cheap, the Reds being irrelevant and the Bearcats trying to get back into the Power Five. The Queen City hit rock bottom with the death our of dear friend Harambe some seven years ago…
I didn't think things could have gotten worse than a future Alabama senator telling people to go hell or get a job after a simply delightful 4-8 campaign, but here we are. I mean, look at us now! Joe Burrow is the freaking Geauxt! The Reds may not leave Cincinnati because they have good players now. Luke Fickell may have left for Wisconsin, but I am all for shorting Scott Satterfield.
In short, it's not a bad time to be a Cincinnati sports fan. The collective fanbase had been down bad, you know, the type that gets Mistaken for Strangers by their own friends. I Should Live in Salt for not remembering your name. To be fair, we're all half awake in a Fake Empire. As I put my diamond slippers on, tell me to Shut Up and Dance with you, even though Trouble Will Find Us…
As I recreate The Ickey Shuffle, Sorrow found me when I was young in the form of David Klingler. You better believe I am spiking the finest of cold cuts Kroger bequeathed to me because Cincinnati is all the way back. And this stupid four-page slideshow probably belongs to the Reds!
Don't abandon me or these segments like you once did with your subway system
- Hot cleats, Gatorade baths
- But what about the fans???
- You're killing me, Smalls…
- The Dude of the Week, man
Hot cleats, Gatorade baths: Julio Rodriguez with a trident should be the new MLB logo, to be honest
When thoughts arrive like butterflies, you experience Even Flow in the form of something great. Long gone are the days that the Seattle Mariners have to rest their heads on pillows made of concrete. They have the best thing to happen to Seattle since Kurt Cobain, Ken Griffey Jr., at least Ben Gibbard, and quite possibly since Microsoft or Starbucks, in Julio Rodriguez. He is a merman!
Since people don't remember Harmon Killebrew all that much anymore, I suggest replacing his likeness as the MLB logo with J-Rod holding a golden trident like he is King Triton or Brick Tamland.
Loud noises be damned, I'm digging this new Seattle sound, dawg. The Sound of Settling was not that great, to be honest. We largely Fell on Black Days because of it. I mean, if could, Would you? Now that the M's have something as tasty as The Kid, The Big Unit or A-Rod in the form of J-Rod, he should be able to do whatever he wants with that trident. You can't find a Better Man than this.
Let's be real. If you can name a hockey team after an allegedly fictitious sea monster beast, then I think we can make exceptions for exceptional people like Rodriguez to brandish props inside of the stadiums they combat in. Even if he left Washington State, we need to forever swing our sword to honor of The Spirit of The Pirate Mike Leach. I wish we could hear what he'd say about the trident.
It may not be a cowbell or a Jolly Roger, but I think tridents are as good for baseball as are the bats.
You're killing me, Smalls… | The Dude of the Week, man
But what about the fans???: Oneil Cruz gives the people what they want, which is mostly bobbleheads
Pittsburgh Pirates star Oneil Cruz may be hurt, but he is showing he can still make a positive impact in the community on a team that ain't half bad, bruh. Bobbleheads in his name, image and likeness are selling like hot cakes, or pierogis for the Yinzers of the world out there. Once he gets back in the lineup, look out for greatness. Let's hope he can live up to the hype of his bobblehead.
Cruz is 100 percent a man of the people. The question is if Pittsburgh is 100 percent winning it all?
Look. I'm not even really one of those Talking Heads, but Once in a Lifetime you get yourself a playmaker in the infield who is more than capable of Burning Down the House. And with this column coming out, as always, On a Friday, even the Radiohead sports stooges of the world like Mark Madden and Pat McAfee can tell the difference between Fake Plastic Trees and fake news.
It wears everyone out, dude, but there is nothing fake about this band of Buccos swabbing the Decks Dark like an ominous ending to an Ozark episode. Surely, the Karma Police will catch up to us at some point, but there's no reason to be a Paranoid Android about them either. While there should be No Surprises about the Pirates at this time, it is clearly because of Andrew McCutchen…
If we can get Larry and Cruz both cruising at the same time, then baby, you gotta stew going.
Hot cleats, Gatorade baths | The Dude of the Week, man
You're killing me, Smalls…: Pete Alonso wanted Bryce Elder to throw it again…
You may hate your favorite's teams arch rival, but I can't begin to tell you how much baked-in animosity there is between the Atlanta Braves and the New York Mets these days. The only way to make Braves Country madder is Bryce Harper in a third NL East jersey, the one with blue and orange on it. Well, the next closest thing to rile up Braves fans has to be Mets star Pete Alonso.
After taking a Bryce Elder hanging slider deep into the night, he uttered three words he would soon later regret: Throw it again.
The Mets proceeded to get one hit the rest of the game after Alonso's third inning moonshot.
The Braves would rally to win on Tuesday night 6-4 to take the first of the three-game series. Atlanta would win Game 2 on Wednesday night to claim a series victory over their bitter rival.
To add insult to injury, Alonso was unfortunately hit in the wrist by Charlie Morton in the top of the first on Wednesday night. Thankfully, Alonso didn't break anything. Morton felt terrible about it. He apologized to Alonso, who was appreciative of it. While it was not great to hear Braves fans cheering about Alonso getting hit, Mets fans would do the same thing if it were Ronald Acuña Jr.
Neither fan base is as sophisticated or as holier than thou as it would actually like to think it is.
So where do we go from here? Turn all the lights down and smile from ear to ear? I'm not feeling the hurt feelings, but I am Feeling This bitter rivalry be cranked up another notch. Fate fell short last time, as smiles faded in the summer for the Mets, as they went Down, Down, Down, Down to the hated Braves once again. Through All of This I know, there is no cure for hate outside of love.
What is Love, though? Baby, don't hurt me. Don't hurt me? No more! I had a way to write this prompt and not be so petty, but I'm also Buhler, and you know what this Dawg is all about, Dawg. As we bob our heads in unison to the left-hand side, we don't want No Scrubs trying to holler at us, unless it's Emilio Estevez or the Mighty Duck man's kid brother Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn.
Coming out of the bullpen is No. 99 Problems but a pitch ain't one in Strokes fan Spencer Strider.
Hot cleats, Gatorade baths | But what about the fans???
The Dude of the Week, man: Elly De La Cruz is basically baseball diamond Joe Burrow at this point
Guess what? Like Bill Belichick, we're onto Cincinnati. Not since Albert Breer was doing Albert Breer things in Columbus have the Reds been this fascinating. As with Breer's reporting, I don't know if it's true, but dig the vibes and what he's mostly about. Speaking of vibes. Have you seen this Elly De La Cruz guy for the Reds? He's doing more the local economy than Joe Burrow or P&G.
Why get gear or other financial contributions when you can meet the next greatest Reds phenom?
I'm not sure if De La Cruz will be as holy as Joey Votto is on the TikTok, but they can totally learn from each other. As expected, I'm getting massive Gryffindor vibes from De La Cruz as I always have with Votto. Do you think they could open the Chamber of Secrets together, as in crack the code of making it into the NL postseason? I got that snake in me, so all you gotta do is ask, bruh.
Big Snake Energy be damned, I'm not a fool like Gilderoy Lockhart. I may be as useless as he is at everything but charms and having smashing good looks, but I'm not the dumbest Ravenclaw to ever walk god's green earth either. I don't need a Thom Brennaman apology if I'm proven to be right in this. Outside of the Elder Wand Bryce, De La Cruz is my pick to win NL Rookie of the Year.
If Tara Reid's American Pie boyfriend could do it, then why not cross our hearts for De La Cruz?
Hot cleats, Gatorade baths | But what about the fans??? | You're killing me, Smalls…