"You may as well put a cow in the middle of the pitch, walking," Jose Mourinho once sniped after he was particularly frustrated with the time-wasting tactics of an opponent. "And then stop the game because there was a cow."
For an individual so well-versed in the shadowy fringes of a football match, it was a remarkable burst of hypocrisy. This, remember, is the same manager who once uttered the immortal instruction: "Lads, I want at least two bookings for time-wasting before half-time."
With Mourinho running through his weighty tome of dark arts in Serie A these days, who among the Premier League's current roster has taken up the baton of the ultimate time-wasters?
2022/23 Premier League average time before restarting play
Data via Opta, correct as of 28 April 2023
Brentford have risen from England's third tier to the top half of the Premier League in nine years by extracting every drop of value from the minor details. For instance, the club's statistically savvy owner Matthew Benham claims teams have a slightly increased chance of victory in away matches if the distance to the ground is minimal.
With such a broad scope of factors under consideration, it's hardly a stretch to suggest Brentford have thoroughly analysed the benefits of labouring over restarts. Almost every Premier League fixture pits Brentford against a team with a significantly larger budget, why not limit the time that the opposition players have to show their superior monetary value?
After a hotly controversial takeover, Newcastle find themselves at the opposite end of the wealth spectrum but just as keen to waste time. While Brentford's delays are mostly reserved for free kicks and throw-ins - which has proven to be time well spent given Brentford's threat from attacking set pieces - Newcastle take longer than any other team to take goal kicks. On average, 36.8 seconds elapse before Nick Pope punts the ball upfield.
Ahead of his year's Carabao Cup final, Manchester United manager Erik ten Hag labelled Newcastle "annoying" and bemoaned the limited time in which the ball is in play, the 'effective time', during Newcastle matches.
"The referees want to play effective time," Ten Hag said last February. "[Newcastle] have the lowest in the league and they are quite successful with it." The statistics didn't exactly line up with Ten Hag's barb when he made these comments but, as of the end of April, Newcastle matches do indeed see the ball in play for the least amount of time.
According to Opta's count, Newcastle fans are treated to an average of 51 minutes and 15 seconds of actual football each weekend. The epitome of Newcastle's attempts to keep the ball off the pitch comes in the form of Jamaal Lascelles' disciplinary record. The club captain has received four yellow cards this season but half have come when he wasn't even on the field of play yet managed to delay the match while warming up as a substitute.
Current Premier League table, top scorers & upcoming fixtures
Manchester City matches have the ball in play for more than an hour on average, 60 minutes and 12 seconds to be precise, the most of any team in the division. Only Liverpool are quicker to get the game going again in the Premier League (waiting just 23.3 seconds before each restart) and Jurgen Klopp can become particularly perturbed when facing opponents that don't share his Corinthian spirit.
After a 3-1 defeat to expert time-wasters Brentford in January, Klopp fumed that Thomas Frank's side "stretch the rules". Newcastle arrived at Anfield in August with little intention of getting into a football match and really tried to shake the granules through the gap in the sand timer with the game level at 1-1 heading into the final ten minutes.
The fourth official initially signalled for five additional minutes but Newcastle's delaying tactics were so severe that Fabio Carvalho had time to fire in the winner in the 98th minute. Newcastle's bench was furious the game had gone on so long but Klopp could scarcely contain his satisfaction when the final whistle was eventually blown. "It's the perfect response," he beamed.
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This article was originally published on 90min as The Premier League sides who waste the most time revealed.