College football is on fire with Oregon and Washington leaving the Pac-12 for the Big Ten.
The Big Ten just got even bigger!
…and make that four Pac-12 schools linking up with the midwest, as Oregon and Washington will be crossing multiple time zones with past, present and future conference members USC and UCLA. The sport of college football is absolutely insane, and we wouldn't have it any other way. Well drunk before noon, let's discuss new and very important rivalry games for these new guys.
If Oregon and Washington need to microwave some Big Ten rivalries, I have a few bad ideas, man…
5 college football rivalries we need with Oregon and Washington in Big Ten
5. Oregon Ducks vs. Indiana Hoosiers: Goonies vs. Stranger Things
Let's be real. Portland is weird and Indiana is … Indiana. These two places have more in common than you think. Of course, we're talking about Goonies, Stranger Things and other sitch. We're going to use college football as a vehicle to do some truly weird stuff. From truffle shuffles to whatever the heck Steve "The Hair" Harrington and Dustin Henderson did, that's what it's about!
Everybody arrives in Bloomington or Eugene on a bike. The trophy the Hoosiers and Ducks will play for is One-Eyed Willy's treasure chest. But since that's going to be too cumbersome to carry, how about an exact replica of the prop that is Will Byers? Winona Ryder and Sean Astin hand the prop/trophy out. My only request is that the insufferable Mike Wheeler never plays a part in this.
For those who aren't dorky dorks and want to be cool, man, just dress like the country club kids from Astoria or what Billy did when he was lifeguarding the hell out of that pool. Mike Wheeler's mom approves, so why shouldn't we? Regardless, you are bound to create another '80s movie about the indoor kids while watching something outside. It's gonna be great and it'll make bank!
The biggest question is if The Ataris are available to play the annual halftime show using synths.
4. Oregon Ducks vs. Minnesota Golden Gophers: The Gordon Bombay Classic
You don't need to overthink this. Oregon Ducks vs. Minnesota Golden Gophers. Ducks on lakes. Think about it. Doesn't this sound like a Disney Channel Original Movie? Well, what if I told you Ducks did fly together in Minnesota back in the day? In a pre-internet world, Gordon Bombay did extraordinary things in the Twin Cities. It is time for the Ducks to fly back to where they are from.
Between the cacophony of Everclear and Prince, we'll watch the world die as we all go crazy. Every game starts with the ceremony penalty known as the Flying V. It becomes the greatest illegal formation since whatever Pat McAfee ran for Chuck Pagano back in the day. It didn't work, but we never forgot it. It was as glorious as ole Kenan Thompson knuckle-packing it on the reg over in L.A.
Because this is a new Big Ten thing, it needs to be exceptionally hokey, cheesy and borderline cringe-worthy. Ducks on lakes in The Gordon Bombay Classic will change lives. Minnesota will win its first thing of significance since the North Stars left. This is what happens when Kent Hrbek cursed the Twin Cities with his leg-lifting ways. May the Mighty Duck man himself rectify this…
The dream of the 90s is alive in Portland, but nobody made more money off Ducks than Disney.
3. Washington Huskies vs. Maryland Terrapins: The Map Test
For all you zit-faced twerps out there who can't drive a car yet, I've got a rivalry for you. Since you and I both know you don't go outside because the world is absolutely frightening, you are going to have the worst time ever with The Map Test. Is Maryland vs. Washington right next to each other or on other coastlines? We will never know! Just ask Colin Cowherd about these major challenges.
There will be seafood, there will be football and there will be confusion. When Genesis wrote the Land of Confusion to troll the Ronald Reagan White House, this is exactly what Phil Collins and the boys had in mind. Puppets be damned, we're getting this rivalry game no matter how much jet fuel it'll cost us because when I think of Washington, I think of Maryland and vice versa. The Map Test!
While there are a bunch of dang vidya games to play, phones to look at and outsides to avoid like the plague, The Map Test will be like light to moths for teenagers. They scare me, and they should scare you, too. But you know what? Now is the best time to go outside for the first time. You don't even have to learn how to ride a bike, you can just sit there and complain like any proud American.
This emerging rivalry game may not do a number, but it will do a number on high school freshmen.
2. Washington Huskies vs. Nebraska Cornhuskers: Husker Du? Huskers N' Huskies
I don't really care if you are lonely. Do you remember when Nebraska football was good? Better yet, do you remember that decade when Washington and Nebraska both won national titles? The 1990s were absolutely tremendous for so many reasons, including that of Don James and Tom Osborne. But what we need is some Husker Du between them Huskers and them Huskies, aight…
It don't get any bigger in the even bigger Big Ten than this. This rivalry could be called the Presidents' Cup because Washington is named after our Boy George, and we all know that corn is best husked in Lincoln. But let's be real, y'all. Let's get husky with the Huskers and Huskies. It's all about corn, dogs, … corndogs? and football. Who doesn't love those three-to-four different things?
The only way this rivalry gets better is if everybody is required to wear a neck roll and run the wishbone to perfection. Like Crystal Pepsi, it will be a blast from the past. Everything that was great about the Clinton Administration will be showcased in this game. America is going to be online to take this all in. But I guess that all really comes down to what your definition of "is" is.
Together, they will play for the Coalition Trophy of days when eight-team leagues were so dope.
1. Oregon Ducks vs. Maryland Terrapins: The Fashion Show
When you join the Big Ten, it's not about winning championships, but looking good on the quest to do so. Nobody does more with what they are wearing than Nike's flagship school in Oregon, and nobody protects this house quite like Under Armour's flagship of Maryland. Together, they will play for the Phil Knight/Kevin Plank Swag Bag. Behold! The Fashion Show, the Big Ten's newest rivalry.
If this game were to ever go to overtime, it will be settled like Hansel and Derek Zoolander's turn-of-the-century dispute in New York was with a walk-off. Since David Bowie will only be with us in spirit, may I suggest either cool dude Billy Zane or maybe even Winona Ryder to show up when she's not too busy doing some Stranger Goonie Things with that Samwise Rudy guy Sean Astin?
This game will be like the Met Gala of sports. We don't care who wins, but we cannot take our eyes off of it. The Fashion Show will draw a number nearly comparable to the Super Bowl, or at least a dozen times better than the Puppy Bowl. Either way, I think we all win. Why else would we want to watch two teams that are not winning national titles compete on the gridiron so freaking badly?
The only loser in this game is Adidas because, well, they are not Nike or Under Armour. It's so sad…